In a move that took many by surprise, the UN Office of Drugs and Crime announced that they would begin dismantling the structures of prohibition later this month. Mr. Yury Fedotov, newly appointed Executive Director released the following statement:

When I came into this position, the first thing I did was review our strategic plan, our goals and our objectives. It quickly became apparent that we haven’t achieved anything we set out to do, and even worse, prohibition has actually caused more death, harm and suffering than drugs ever could. So yeah, we fucked up, but we’re gonna stop now. Sorry about before.

Following on from this unexpected announcement, Gil Kerlikowske, US drug ‘czar’ responded:

You know what? He’s right. I’ve been doing this job for nearly two years, and it sucks. We’ve been at this for god knows how long, and spent god knows how much, and what have we achieved? Zilch, nada, zero. I mean we’ve got more black men locked up now than were ever enslaved, and young black men are more likely to get imprisoned than graduate college, and drug-testing is an everyday part of high school life for some kids, but I don’t think that’s where we were planning on going with this drug-free America. So yeah, I’m with Fedotov. Let’s ditch this shit, and try something new. Can we keep the White House drugs terminology glossary though? I love that list.

While observers are watching closely to see how the cartels and drug trafficking organizations will respond to the changes, I caught up with Heriberto ‘El Lazca’ Lazcano, leader of Los Zetas:

Well, this blows. But hey, we’ve got some pretty good networks now- you know, human trafficking, gun running. So I think we’ll be ok. Maybe have to downsize a little.

Slightly more concerning are future job prospects for the large number of anti-prohibition campaigners who have dedicated their lives to the war against the war against drugs. Said Ethan Nadelmann of the Drug Policy Alliance:

I can’t say much right now- obviously this is all just sinking in, but yeah- I’m stunned. I mean, I gave up a respectable academic career to do this shit…not to mention the recent crop of SSDP graduates who were fairly certain this was a job for life. I dunno, man…I just can’t really believe it.

Steve Rolles and Danny Kushlik were apparently wailing, sobbing, and weeping in the Transform offices. “Shit man, we only just launched Count the Costs.” Dannny said,  “Do you know how long it took us to get everyone to agree on the name for that website?  And now we’re just going to have to take it down?  I’m not sure Fedotov has really thought this through.”

Drug takers meanwhile, are reportedly carrying on much as before.

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